


Beware of Terrans Bearing Gifts

by Enisy (orphan_account)



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alternate Universe, Babel Trek, Babel Trek Open Project (Star Trek), Comedy, Crack, Episode: s01e13 What's Past Is Prologue, Funny, Gen, Humor, Languages, Languages and Linguistics, Mirror Universe (Star Trek)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Enisy
Summary: Georgiou’s last name hints at her linguistic proclivities. And where she leads, everyone else has to follow. Yikes. Written for the Babel Trek Open Project.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17
Collections: The Babel Trek Open Project





	Beware of Terrans Bearing Gifts

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack. I’m so sorry.
> 
> This work is part of the [Babel Trek Open Project](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/BabelTrek/profile), an event for any and all works involving Star Trek and language. It is open for contributions until the 8th of February 2020.

Michael didn’t want to upset Saru, but she couldn’t keep the frantic edge off her voice. She could only hope it wasn’t noticeable over the comm.

“Saru, I wish I had let you come in my stead,” she babbled. “I’m almost certain they suspect me. I tried to play it off as a daughterly rebellion, but it is a transparent ruse, especially for someone as clever as the Emperor. And you,_ you_ wouldn’t have needed to resort to deception of this kind – you speak so many languages…”

“Slow down, Michael,” he said. “Play off what exactly?”

“The fact that I don’t speak Greek.”

“_Greek_? What is this all about?”

Michael breathed deep. Slowed down. Swam away from the human whirlpool of emotions to the Vulcan abyssal zone, where all lay still. “They – that is – the Terran Empire – has outlawed the Universal Translator, Saru. And…” She bit her lip. “Remember when we served together on the _Shenzou_, we once talked about Captain Georgiou’s last name? Her ethnic roots? Well, Georgiou – some form of Georgiou – is the Terran Emperor in this universe. And she insists on speaking Greek.”

It was dead quiet on the other end of the comm. For a moment, Michael feared the connection had broken off, but when she concentrated, she could still hear Saru breathing.

“That’s… something,” he said at length.

“Indeed. Everyone speaks Greek here. She forces all her subjects to learn it.”

“Oh, Michael,” Philippa’s voice suddenly burst into the room, “that is not a sacrifice given, but a boon received.” The voice was followed in short order by Philippa’s corporeal presence, flanked by two human guards. “After all, it is the greatest language in the known universe.” _Oh, shit._ Michael’s heart banged around her chest like an intoxicated hummingbird. _Shit, shit, shit, shit._

On seeing the Emperor, Saru cursed very politely in Greek (“_Katara!_”) and logged off.

Michael cursed in Standard (“Shit!”) and got a cuff around the ear.

She was still alive. Alive, and being scolded. She was so flabbergasted, the shock vibrated through her Katra and caused Sarek’s pok tar to go down the wrong pipe a universe away.

“Have some self-respect, Michael,” said Philippa. “There is better vocabulary you can apply your brain to.” Adding: “Most of your Federation Standard words come from Greek, you know.”

The guards shuffled awkwardly. Michael saw that they were biting their tongues not to speak. _Yes, we know. You keep telling us._

“I look forward to edifying you,” she leered.

∞

Days later, when Michael was safely back on the _Discovery_, Saru tracked her to the brig, where she was watching Georgiou pacing her cell like a ravenous, depressed tiger.

“So, have you picked up any Greek from the Emperor?” he teased. “You don’t need me to tell you this, but it is an ancient and… idiosyncratic language. It has some words you rarely encounter in other tongues, such as _filotimo_.”

Michael shook her head. “We didn’t spend much time together in the Mirror Universe, and now…” She waved her hand in Philippa’s general direction. “As you might expect from her current state of mind, my education has been limited to swear words. Like _malaka_ and _mounopano_.”

“That is… within the realm of expectation,” he sighed. “Don’t you have better things to impart to dear Michael, Georgiou?”

“_Ti afthadia, __sklave!_” Philippa fired back from her cell. “I believe I told you to address me as Emperor Philippa Georgiou Alexandros Miltiades Augustus Iaponius Centaurius. Also, since you fancy yourself a gifted linguist, I must inform you that your pronunciation of the diphthongs is _calamitous_.”

Saru shook his head. Michael clung to her poker face through a barrage of negative emotions, like _angry disapproval_ and _profound disappointment_ and _mom, not in front of my friends_. (“Did – did she just casually add two more names to her title?” – “I hope she doesn’t get in touch with her Malaysian roots next...”)

Back in Vulcan, Sarek was eating his pok tar in peace, only weighed down by a mild sense of tedium.

∞

The Terran Empire has never tasted pok tar.

The Terran Empire’s official foods are _souvlaki_ and _kolokithokeftedes_.


End file.
